Brother Marc here, sinners. Yes, I'd like to offer a countervailing
perspective regarding chavs.
Altan has adopted these pikeys as charitable venture but I am here to urge
caution, to piss on his fire, so to speak.
I’ve had it
up to here with pikeys, scallies and chavs. They’re all the same thing
anyway: orcs. Watch those crappy Lord of the Rings films (no offence,
Altan!!!). Note the orcs,
the stunted, illiterate, godless, twisty-eared, snarling, illiterate,
deformed cannon fodder of Sauron. Note them well. Then take a ride
through the centre of Leeds. How strange, the streets are full of orcs.
You thought they were fictional. You were wrong. We call them ‘chavs’,
my friend. They dress for choice in sports gear, they are pasty-faced,
usually clutching a can of beer, or a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20, possibly
with a Gregg’s pasty in the other hand, they stink of alcohol, they are
drug addicts and gouchers, the worst kind of McDonald’s-eating,
television-watching human filth. They have shaven heads, but usually
wear baseball caps or hoods, to hide from The Law, hence another of
their many names, ‘hoodies’. Eliot foresaw their global domination in
The Waste Land:
Who are those hooded hordes swarming
Over endless plains, stumbling in cracked earth
Ringed by the flat horizon only
Eliot wasn’t joking. He didn’t, generally, tell jokes. He knew they
would one day overcome Western civilization, burning art and books,
smashing Stradivarius violins, all the while on state benefits. And he
was right, they are. i hate them. Where did they come from? No one
knows.
i remember meeting a very shy,
awkward South African chap, who was living in some chav estate in Leicester,
and hating every minute of it, and of England. The local chavs had taken
to shouting racist abuse at him, despite his being white, and he
despised the English as a race of ugly, rude, stupid subhumans. i
thought he was a little sheltered: any Englishman would grow up knowing
that 99% of his countrymen are bestial filth, that figure rising to 100%
on chav estates. Obviously, i decided, these South Africans are a feeble
lot.
A bit later i think i was enthusing about fire arms, and he told me,
quite casually, that he’d once used his handgun to disperse an angry mob
in South Africa. Having gone with a friend on his daily rounds as a debt
collector round the slums of South Africa, they attracted the attentions
of an angry mob. Their car surrounded by a horde of shouting,
machete-wielding men, my shy friend naturally shot off a few rounds to
clear a path. He had also been mugged three times in Johannesberg or
whatever it’s called, once by a small child, a small, machete-wielding
child.
And yet our chavs still
disgusted him.
bravenet.com
Instead of celebrating religious holidays, chavs receive a new ASBO or an ankle bracelet from the Police (electronic tagging).
Female chavs are so thoroughly exposed to football, Jerry Springer, daytime TV, Playstation and The Simpsons that they develop the physiological mannerisms of the male chavs.
Indeed, one must question whether or not the term “chavette” has any applicability. As the chav evolves it will most likely cease to have any discernable gender as such and be merely chav.
Femininity and femaleness in contemporary society are expressed by behavioural mannerisms, clothing, body language and speech that differs from male characteristics. So-called chavettes possess none of the female traits associated with being a woman. In many cases, the mammary gland has atrophied to a point where the chest area becomes hollow in appearance.
This shrunken chested ‘look’ is a critical feature of the chav, along with drug-induced death-pallor and twitchy, rapid eye movement. Chaviness seems to incorporate an entire lifestyle of cheap living, with McD representing the Holy Grail of chav. The entire chav mythos revolves around football and criminality, with 4 x 4 vehicle being the penultimate symbol of the consumate chav. To own a 4 x 4 is like chav graduation.
With chavettes being exposed to exactly the same environmental stimuli, interests and aspirations (drugs, R&B, shellsuits, tattoos, cheap jewellery) it is no wonder that male and female chavs have exactly the same facial features and body language. In the next few years we should expect to see the first true chav hermaphrodite being born. Or perhaps even a chav that possesses no sexual organs (after all - sex involves effort) and becomes pregnant by licking out the used food cartons at McD.
i continued on my way, reminded of a crusty i’d observed in a queue at the Huddersfield train station a few years ago. He was ‘talking’ to his crustyette, and kept aggressively muttering, “you know what I mean?” about once every three words. My father, likewise, would generously adorn his speeches with phrases like “egh, are you with me, egh?”
What would be left of a man’s speech if he removed all these redundant phrases and expletives? Very little. i wondered what the speaker meant by ‘fucking’. It had no literal meaning; the tone was the meaning - but he wasn’t even angry, or excited - he just talked like that, probably all the time.
i think the expletive is meant to artificially boost the speaker’s communication, to give it prominence, power. It means ‘the noun to which this adjective applies is not a common noun; it is unusually interesting and forceful. Pay attention.’
When used about once every three words, which seems about the norm for churls, ‘fucking’ is unable to fulfill this function, and instead becomes a kind of noise, just as the crusty’s “you know what I mean?” was not questioning whether his female understood, but was a kind of prod, to make sure she was utterly attentive to his speech. Such phrases and expletives, then, are not communication, but rather extraneous to communication, they are cheats designed to augment communication, cosmetics.
However, because they are over-used, they instead become redundant, and thus only communicate the speaker’s crudity and incoherence. They may, therefore, be easily replaced by simian grunts, and in order to restore clarity to the situation, i move that all churls replace the word ‘fucking’ with an ape-like grunt.
Chavs rule the world in Halifax. We like to venture out in the early hours of the day before chavs crawl out of their cider bottles to steal things for drug money. It is like being a vampire. Bjork’s Play Dead really says it.
Chavs make me agrophobic. If I have to choose between braving 500 sunbathing chavs in shellsuits (eating fish & chips, smoking, playing with their phones) or going hungry, I will go hungry. I abstain from going to the supermarket and wait until X comes home. She can cope better than me with chavs and usually has the car.
They all deal in pirate DVD’s and download illegal software on line. I must confess that I cannot relate to them.